14_below

I feel like a dizzy school girl. There is something, lately, about me that is so uninhibited. A sudden self-confidence that I have never really noticed in myself before.
I am enjoying everything. I am enjoying getting up early in the morning. I am enjoying staying up late at night. I am enjoying going to work. But most of all I am enjoying just spending time with myself. I feel like all this alone time with J and T being away I have really learned to like my own company. I am not suddenly wishing for something better in my life, something to magic itself out from nowhere and plonk down in my lap as if it were a present and not something that I had actively pursued. I was never brought up to expect things to just come to me - in fact nearly the opposite. I saw Momma fight for things that she believed in- and of course she isn't superwoman she did crumble and fall on occasion but i think seeing that is nearly as important as seeing the triumphs. I have seen people around me rise above everything time and time again and I have marveled in their success shared it with them and congratulated them, but try as I might the successes  I have experienced in my own life I have never really regarded them as anything special - always focussing on the negative. And I never really understood why.
There are little snippets of my young young life that I can recall- vivid memories that i don't think i will ever forget.
I remember lying on my parents bed chin resting in my palms with my brother lying next to me in the same position staring up at the two people that we adored most in the world- our parents. I remember being a small petite little thing with long long blonde hair that I would not let my mum cut.
I remember sitting at the top of the stairs as I heard Momma crying in the kitchen and then a smash as the back door glass was broken when my dad tried to break in. I remember the shouting the arguments the screaming so vividly... I remember it lasting forever and I remember my dad leaving and riding off on his motorbike. I had no idea that moment when I was four years old would change me forever and i don't think i have realised that until now.
I remember the following days the general friendly visits from the neighbours and family friends and the little bits of glass that remained on the kitchen floor.
I also remember going to see a therapist who was Canadian and named Sandie and I remember that I did not like her.
These are my earliest memories and of course I have learned things about those instances since then and have come to accept things as just being the way that life works. I do not begrudge my father for his actions - in fact I thank him for them because I have never really known my parents as a couple apart from that first memory. And then again that is more about me and Stevie than it is them. However I don't think I have ever or will ever feel the same way about my father as I do my mother.
Now I know this is all sounding a bit 'trip down memory lane'-ish but I am getting to a point.
My earliest memories in their majority are negative. Now this is something I cannot change - at this point in time I cannot forget what I remember.
I know at heart who I am and I know at heart who I have always wanted to be. I know what I want, where I want to go, what I want to experience, who I want to experience that with and most of all i want to create new memories. The thing that i have never admitted to myself before is that I never had to confidence to truly find myself. To truly reveal myself.
I think this is why i got lost in obsessions, addictive personality, i get lost is the stories that - if I am honest i am jealous of.
Love that knows no barriers, love that overcomes and stills time, love that for brief moments it the only thing to ever exist.
I think this is why I put on a front to J and T why I let them think i am not a romantic why i let them think that i dont believe in love, while i still remain that marriage is a dead institution, i still wouldnt mind being with someone that I loved so much that I wanted to marry them.
I couldnt, for a while, understand why this had not happened for me. I retreated into myself, became the funny girl. i doubted myself, I became the friend. I doubted my past failed endeavours. I remembered the summer with S after we had reunited and embarked on what i thought at the time "A great love affair" to my discomfort I have now come to accept it as just an "affair" something that hurt a lot of people. Something that ultimately left me with more doubts, something that in the end became what I always new it would something that I would fabricate to become something else.
The understanding that i have come to today is that the reasons why these great loves have never happened for me is because of my insecurities over how I am, how I speak, how I look and how I act. I often find myself trying to become somebody else around people like R. I often find myself falling into bed with people like P and K because they noticed me. And that is not how i want to be anymore. I want someone to want to be with me. Not for cheap thrills or a fun three weeks. I want someone to fall for me. I want romance, I want songs, I want lazy sundays, I want to hold hands. Because i believe that I deserve it. And i have never really realised that before.
I think of all my time falling into fictional love stories i never truly believed that i could experience something similar. But I think that now I am finally ready to let love in.
I am relationship ready. And that scares me and excites me. I know it is not going to happen overnight and I dont expect it to nor do I want it to. I just need to experience something that is not tarnished with bad memories hurt feelings and cringe worthy flashbacks.
I can slowly feel myself letting go of the old me and opening new doors to myself.
And that is why I am as dizzy as a school girl.

So it has spectacularly been and fantorgasmically gone... it was perfect in so many ways. The way that it left you sitting on the edge of your seat - doubting that what we all knew would happen was going to happen until the very last moments.
The shouting
the anger
the devastating of a life, of two lives - or maybe even more than that...
... and not missing it for the world.
I never really thought I could or would believe in love- i mean yes I have always been a time and a place romantic - but that comes and goes - it certainly never grabs a hold of me like this.
I sobbed, wept and wailed like a baby but it was all worth it - the kiss, the sunset the holdage of hands and even the little joke - this was definitely and EPIC LAST SONG!!!!

as for other areas, the happy couple arrived home happy from DR... had a mighty good time and as much as I love them I did not have the heart to tell them that I had a mighty good time without them. I would seriously consider living on my own if it was not too expensive - I have learned to become my own friend- whilst perhaps going slightly insane at the same time but w/e. The peak of my insanity came as a slow realisation dawned on me when I found myself talking to a spider that I had named Peter and trapped under a glass for T to get rid of as soon as they returned. I actually wa having conversations with the thing. Since then T+J have returned and Peter remains trapped under the same glass as he was 2 weeks ago - some may say this is cruel - however the only reason we have left him in there is because he has built a giant web. Not much use it is going to be in catching flies -- i wonder how much longer he will last.

The other exciting thing that happened whilst the happy couple were holidaying was that TV season started again- i was a bit apprehensive about some shows returning - like an all time favourite of mine Prison Break... and to be honest so far Season 4 has done nothing to quell my apprehensions.
I am very excited about new shows True Blood and Fringe. I think True Blood is to my Buffy as Fringe is to my Roswell. And to anyone who knows me knows that this means I love TB and like F but could see myself slowly falling for F.

I still cannot believe SE'08 has been and gone... so so emotional!

petition for spin off series .... whoop! I cannot wait to see what JS does next- not so bothered about GB because he has not really done much since he left the first time and quite frankly i think that JS is more talented.

I tried to persuade myself that i was over R but I most certainly am not- I have gotten myself down to no online stalking of any kind but this is only cancelled out by the fact that i see him and speak to him and laugh and joke with him every day. I just cannot tell what he is feeling - I cannot tell if a lot of the things that are directed at me are directed at other people as well or if they are all held for me. i can see other people noticing - dropping hints - laying silent claim- it is the strangest battle for love i have ever seen because it is all done in cimplete silence although i have to admit that B is a lot less subtle about it all... not that i think she wants people know - but more of a being a tard sometimes!
The trip of my life was cancelled - plans were sounding very nice indeed.
He is a lovely, sweet, gentle natured, kind hearted man - and i want him!
Best not fuck it up this time!

I am actually running upon an hours worth of sleep and then an 8 hour day so i am gonna say ciao for now will be filling in on the R story V soon.
xxx

                                                                     


( Once there was a time when I could say I was your friend and you were mine... )

I am so freaking excited for McDean Day next Thursday E4 7pm! eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk!

The only rubbish, rubbish rubbish thing is, is that I am at work so i will not get to see it the moment that it happens argh!

trusty youtube!

SE'08 only 6 days away! part of me cannot wait for it however the other part is dreading it - I don't want McDean to end *sob*!

sooooo since it is the only thing that occupies my thoughts at the moment here are a few more icons- that i "experimented" with. There is not really a theme - was just playing around.

( you've changed my life... irreversibly )

I am LOVING everything Hollyoaks at the moment. Well not everything - one storyline in particular because the ever so lovely Guy Burnet is gracing our screens again as Craig Dean for the ever long awaited SUNSET ENDING between his character and John Paul McQueen (James Sutton) that us McDeaners have campaigned for for soooo long (well a year) lol!

So in honour of SE 2008 I have made a couple of icons for my favourite SoapBox Lads and Favourite onscreen couple.

( MCDEAN FOREVER! )
I have also made a fan video tadaaa- my first one. To be honest it is not really a fan VIDEO it is more of a jazzy slideshow with music lol.


( I Ain't Scared of Lightning )

I am neither happy nor sad about being back because I knew that I had to come back eventually and I do enjoy living in Edinburgh but every time i return to The Bay I get more homesick. It is weird because they always say that the friends you make for life are the ones that you make in college or uni but I honestly do believe that me and my friends from back home have found kindred spirits in each other. some I have known for nearly 16 years now and some I have known only 3 but they definitely are (bar the family) the people I love and care for most in the world. We have all been through so much together it would be horrible if that was all forgotten.
In some ways I think I prefer only going home for short periods - where the rest of them tend to stay for the summer. It makes the time together more special I think and although it pains me to leave I can only remember the most fantastic two weeks of random drives out into the the middle of nowhere, relaxing on the beach, house parties, cocktail nights, nights in at the pub, crazy dino golf and so much more.
Some times it scares me to think about how much we have all grown up and matured because I still remember the times when we weren't even teenagers. But I also look forward to the future - I am so proud of everyone and so proud to have these people in my life - I am so lucky to have 15 best friends who would do anything for me and vice versa.

Cant wait to see whats to come.

Thank you for an awesome holiday you all rock my world x

____

So it is back to work and back to the usual routine to be honest it does not even feel like I have left.
The next month or twois gonna be the most difficult this year because I do not have any loan left to cover my rent and I have hit the end of my overdraft. There is no and I mean no food in my cupboards my ridacard has run out my phone bill is due etc etc etc. Why do these things always always happen at the same time. It is like when all of your toiletries run out at the same time and you get to Boots to renew them all and realise that they all cost £40 or £50 altogether. Gutted.
I really need to ask my dad for money - quite frankly I am a little shocked that he didnt offer because he new the financial difficulties I faced upon my return. But no, he seems to be far too busy to think about trivial things like a roof over my head when he has much more important things to think about like buying his 9th motorbike or taking his new family on holiday or buying Julie a recording studio. Father's eh? They always forget about the ones they left behind. The worst thing is - even though the man has barely given me anything my whole 21 years I reckon I would still feel bad for asking him for a few quid to see me by for August to October. Which is probably the reason that I did not go out of my way to get him alone to ask him.
ahhh well enough moaning - i could spend my whole life moaning about it but it still does not change anything and you have to think about other people in far worse situations. 

____

I bought my first fairtrade reusable shopping bag for £2.50 from Matalan whilst I was holidaying in the Bay. The funniest thing was that when I went to the cashier to pay she actually started to put the fairtrade bag into a plastic bag and I actually laughed in her face. Lets be honest she didnt really find it funny but then again she looked like the kind of woman who had not found anything funny for the past 40 years so I didnt really care much. Plus the fact that I was actually laughing at her stupidity - that probably did not go down too well either oh well. Stupid Bint.
I also became an organ donor today as well. Which is something that I have been meaning to do for a long long time now but never got around to it. So anyway I thought long and hard about which organs I would want to donate and pretty much decided on anything even though I dont think that my lungs would be much use because of the smoking. The only thing that kind of weirded me out a bit was the idea of donating my corneas. Now I know full well that my limp lifeless body is not going to  care  nor need  my corneas but  the idea does make me feel a bit woozy. I have no other excuse but that!

Anyway I am going to crash now because I had finally got a good little routine going whilst I was away and I aint about to ruin it now!

I have now been home for a total of 24 hours. 
Almost missed my train because of the insane traffic in Edinburgh. 
Met Dan, went around to Lisa's Went to Jesmond to see the Lads new house went to Sammy Jacks to see Helen and Kayleigh and then went to spoons for last orders! 
all in all a successful evening!

I just got back from Boyzone was the most fun I have had for a long time I felt like such a fangirl!

This is a new three Act musical from Joss Whedon et al. It is about a semi crap super villain played by Neil Patrick Harris a god amongst awesome, his love for a girl that he knows from his laundromat played by Felicia Day and his corporate puppet arch nemesis Captain Hammer played by Nathan Fillion the funniest man in Sci-Fi. The first two parts are up now at  DrHorrible you have to check it out - it was made with the strong Whedonesque idea that writers do not need the studios (in response to recent writers strikes and looming actors strikes) - it is being uploaded to the website above and will be available as free content for one week (act 3 is available from July 19th) the idea is that people will enjoy it so much that they will buy it afterwards thus proving that the middle man is not needed.
It is quirky, it is fun, it is a musical, it is Whedon, Fillion and NPH what more do you need?

I have three of them, yes three and I am the only girl. My older brother Stevie is 23 going on 24 and is also therefore my closest sibling as Mikey and Will are 10 and 6. Stevie kindly phoned me this evening quite hammered on a bus in shiny London heading back to his flat to ask whether he should get a McDonalds or a Jerk Chicken. I subsequently asked him what the hell Jerk Chicken was and he replied "Chicken that is jerked, I don't know" and then went onto say that he was not feeling Caribbean enough for Jerked Chicken tonight. When my brother has ever felt Caribbean I do not know.

Such is life...

it is officially 6am

I made a few more icons whilst I was bored today.


I had a shot at making some banners since I just figured out how to put one on my journal whoop! 

ok so I succumbed to the casino -only this time i actually became a member - i was going to go in on Andy's membership as a guest but they had decided that they were not taking guests anymore so I signed up- i tell ya the things that you do for a pear cider (which by the way they had none of). Anyway so I played a couple of games of roulette and mostly watched Andy lose his money on various games and also met a very drunk asian man who was spending thousands upon thousands of pounds on three card poker. He literally went through at least £2500 whilst I was at the table. Shocking - although not as shocking as you would think because I have gradually gotten used to seeing a lot of money in one place from working in the cash office.

The funniest part of my night however was when I walked into McGowans after work and saw Andy sitting by himself drinking a bulmers and reading Harry Potter: Half-Blood Prince. Bless Him.

I got a wheelchair taxi home - because I am special.

why is it that there are so many more interesting things to occupy yourself with than going to bed for much needed rest and rejuvenation?

at this point in time I think I am actually looking for things to distract me from sleep - i know i will regret it tomorrow though when I waste half of the day in bed and wake up at stupid o'clock.

Watched Mamma Mia! last night after work ... honestly i don't think I have ever seen anything more camp on the big screen ever! I left the cinema feeling like somebody had poured a big bucket of glitter over me (not a bad thing). Everyone walked out with big huge grins on their faces wanting to dance and sing their way to Greece and open a hotel. Meryl Streep was amazing as ever and Pierce Brosnan's singing was not as bad as they are saying - his acting on the other hand is laughable. Mind you I have never really seen him in anything other than Bond so I only really know him as that character and lets just face it - he wasn't the best Bond by far. I do think though that Colin Firth should have been given more to do. Julie Walters was the best thing about the film though you could tell that she was having so much fun which made the audience enjoy it even more. There was an abundance of older women watching who, it seemed, had dragged their husbands along kicking and screaming. Or they had come out with their friends in hoardes.

OT: It is a strange thing to see that the older women who visit the cinema whether they are alone in a couple or with a big group of friends always dress up as if it is a big night out. Now this always confused me a little bit as you are sitting in the dark for a few hours and nobody really cares what you are wearing yet they still put all of their sparkly spangles on- the interesting thing about this however is that the young young girls do exactly the same thing - now this I can understand a bit more for various reasons but mainly because I have been a teenager but I have never been old (obv.) it is just a shame that us girls in our twenties knock about in jeans and hoodies and dont really make an effort. for the cinema at least. Although I know the magic of the cinema was lost after I started working their in 2006.

anyway i digress.

Saw Wanted last night as well - which was good for what it was- a kickass action flick- James McAvoy was gorgeous and brilliant and gorgeous everything I expected him to be really, I ummed and awwed my way through his topless wax bath scene hee hee. Angelina Jolie was Angelina Jolie - you couldn't have really imagined anyone else in the role to be honest but I still don't rate her much.
It is hard to say which one was better because they were completely different films but I did enjoy them both.

less than a week before i return to the bay - so freakin' excited!

Off on a jaunt back to sunny Whitley Bay one week on Saturday I am squeeing with excitement cannot wait to see the whole bay crew - I am taking my media drive with me so that I can get everyone hooked on all of my shows so that I will have some flesh and blood people to obsess with. I think that it will be an easy feat.

OK yes I am in my twenties and yes I should probably know better but as a joke (sort of) my flatmate Jenny bought me and her tickets to go and see Boyzone at Edinburgh castle. Here's the thing though - I am freakishly excited! All 5 of the Boyzone members (as far back as I can remember) were my first boyfriends *chuckle*. I can't help but feel nostalgic.

 *fingers crossed*